Let me in, slowly

A fine stroke here, a blemish there,

A need to erase a small part where,

in a careless mood you sketched a bit crude,

you need to slog for hours to draw your muse.

Rehearsals galore, a note out of tune,

another take required, you played too soon,

the melody was right, but the pitch was high,

getting it right the first few times, is impossible nigh.

A phrase stands out, another one juts,

in a hurry to make it whole sans if and buts

word jugglery will only take you so far,

for the right turn of phrase, wait for your lucky star.

Attracted to your core, hurtling like an asteroid in space,

Please let me in slowly, I'm hurting you with my pace.

Missing in Action

What happens to the angels, when they are not looking over us?

When they are missing in action, are they allowed a human touch?

Can we reverse roles and fight demons on their behalf?

And hope to heal their wounds  - even if only by half?

Or are they better left alone, to nurse their injuries in solitude,

So that in public they appear strong, and with an invincible attitude,

Can this be a reason , they appear once in a blue moon?

Dazzling with their beauty and beneficence, and imploding soon?

The angel couldn't be weak she couldn't have suffered through,

She acted like a balm, could she have needed some too?

Whenever I really need it, she just keeps popping up,

But what happens to her in the interim, in the run-up?

My angel appeared today, to soothe me once more of my pain,

and I found that when she had needed, I was missing in action again!

Mithya XI: Jadhav's Steady Sanctuary

In this fourth 'chapter' from my almost autobiographical (life) story, I return to prose (dairy format) to make alive the time I spent at IITD.

 The tale (part I)

Player IV: Jadhav’s Steady Sanctuary

Day 1 session 1

Dear Anna,

Today I finally got to debut at number 4.

You, of course, know how much that means to me. You have seen my struggles of trying to cement my position in the team. You have seen how hard I have worked and how dearly I have waited for this moment. The selection was a rigorous process; can any selection be as tough as the JEE? But here I am, now representing Mithya XI and part and parcel of the IITD incoming batch.

And yet as you know, this is not what I have been focussed on- my dreams are bigger- this is just a stepping stone. I want to play for the long haul and I want the world cup. Nothing less. Nothing more. Like Lakshaman being laser focused on his target and in complete control over his mind, I am clear from day 1- I want to get into the cilvil services and serve the country. IITD is just a necessary transit on to the final destination. And I’m prepared to do all that it takes to get there- be it scoring with my bat, being agile on the field or bowling an occasional over.

Today I am feeling a bit sentimental; oh how I miss you! Deciding to join IITD has been a tough decision- it meant leaving you behind. Couldn’t I have stayed back and studied in the local college you are going to? I’m getting confused and demoralised, but then I remember my lakhsya and everything seems to fall in place- even the cursed batting order of Mithay XI!

Today I met Him. He was escorted by His father and naniji, and that seemed a bit odd; as for me, my father had accompanied me. By design of fate we not only got allotted to the same hostel, but got to share the hostel room as well. It was the best thing that could have happened to ….him:-)

I immediately took a liking to Him and He seemed wise and matured beyond His years; He also had probing eyes, trying to look beyond my appearances and try to get a glimpse of you, and I jokingly addressed him as Big Brother! But I am somehow wondering if I was able to conceal you from his prying eyes; he seems to be all knowing, especially about matters of the heart. I will tell Him about you, but first He needs to earn my trust. Didn’t you see that He almost got me run out by that stupid call; we need to develop better understanding and indulge in better running between the wickets.

But if first impressions matter, I really like His style- though it seems totally opposite mine- He likes to be whimsical with the bat and has developed His own style of hitting six- the I.M. Looni patented Aeroplane shot! While I like to play conservatively, and yet I can feel a partnership building. I, the steady and dependable, He, the fireworks finisher.

I am feeling so good writing to you. Hope you are enjoying your new college too.


Day 1 session 2

Dear Anna,

Today I am really angry and frustrated. I haven’t scored a run in 80 balls straight. Just the other day I had told Him about you, and how much you mean to me; I had shared a number of other things with Him like my dreams to serve the country, and how a particular song reminded me of you. He really is the Big Brother. He knows where to touch me. And he knows when to rub me the other way. He did that today. We had a minor quarrel and he spent the entire day humming that song; you know the one that reminds me of you, that triggers your memories. He made me feel sensitive at the exact same time I was focusing on studies and not in the mood to get emotional. With deadly precision he destabilised me to ring home the point that I better stay on good terms with him.

Oh why did I share my secrets with him; he is so mean.

I just wish I could hand off my wicket on a platter today and walk off this partnership; but I also appreciate that you don’t get selected for Mithya XI again and again; I am feeling too much pressure and yet I can’t stand him anymore.

Oh how I wish we hadn’t met or been forced to play together.

And the problem is not that He doesn’t understand what I am going through; he understands too well! Many people wish that others understood them well, I am wishing today that maybe for once I can be a mystery to him.

Also, I am frustrated today;  despite my rock solid performance, it seems I never am able to hog the limelight. I am dependable and steady. But people like fireworks more than steadiness. Looni comes and hits a few sixes in the end and he is revered and christened as a ‘finisher’. I, on the other hand, am firmly placed in the middle order- but don’t confuse that with being mediocre. I have sweated on and off the field to give that steady performance and thereby confidence to SP and the team management that they can count on me, if need be. And I guess I have not made them regret that decision!

I lied to you that I am angry; actually the major part of the evening I spent crying. Everyone was jeering that I would make the record for highest duck runs in a row. The silver lining was that He wasn’t joining the crowd; as a matter of fact He never joined the crowds, - He was still optimistic and once our misunderstanding about run calls had ended, He actually talked to me and made me turn around my performance. He did that by reminding me of the World Cup; how I had started preparing for it even before the selection;  that bas*****, he really knows what strings to pull.
 
He doesn’t understand now, but he will understand one day why playing for Mithya Xi means so much for me. It has to do with APJ. Yes, the missile man. You for all people do know how I have been fascinated by him; how I have watched him slogging for the nation’s benefit. Haven't we both seen umpteen times, how he wakes up early and spends his entire day laser focussed on serving the nation. I couldn’t have asked for or hoped for a better influence and role model. And so here I am, laser focused on serving the nation, and playing for the Mithya XI despite that hamstring injury.


Day 1 session 3

Dear Anna,

Today my dad came to visit me. I was so happy that I gave high fives to my father! Not everyone around me could fathom that sort of deep and informal relationship between us. Not even Looni. We spent some time with Looni. He has been good to me in the dressing room lately.

Looni is a strange man though. The one who knows how to rub you the wrong way, also knows how to pull your triggers for the right reasons. And now that we have sorted our initial (power?) struggles we have became the best of friends. He for one is a sensitive soul himself and a creative one too. I have some strange news for you. Looni scored his maiden half century just now. He wrote his first short story- and can you guess what the title was- “Anna”- I sincerely apologise to you, as its a thinly veiled account of my relationship with you; he has immortalised both you and me in his craft! He is definitely shrewd!

   
He writes limited prose though- poetry is another matter altogether.

He is a prolific poet- his choice of genre being sonnets. While people think they are directed towards a real person, I know better. He is in love with poetry itself. His poems are self referential. And they are beautiful. Even professors here have put a link to his poetry pages on their official IITD website. When I read his sonnets I somehow am reminded of you. I am sharing the link to those sonnets he has written, and put on the web, maybe you will like them too. As for the story immortalising you, I dare not share the link, lest you suspect I have become closer to him, by sharing our secrets with him. I hope you will forgive me.

- 
Day 2 Session 1

Dear Anna,

It’s a brand new day; I hope to leave my mark today. However Looni seems a bit defocussed. I wish he would stick to ones and twos like me; but he prefers poetry to being prosaic.

However his this style has got him in trouble. He took a mini-project in the 4th semester. He had no desire to suck to a prof by doing a mini -p and to get recommendation letter as he had no plans for further studies in Comp Science. Yet, out of pure desire to learn he enrolled for that mini-project. His intent was good. And it was time to bat with the right mindset.

Intentions are one thing, follow up is another. While his partner tried to chase the impossible target that the prof had set up for them, he was busy.…….writings sonnets.

His mini-p partner would come daily to hostel to steal a run towards the department where they could work over the project and he, on the other hand, would be found ‘inspired’ and conjuring some poems instead of driven by that improbable run chase.

And so he got run out. When partners are not in sync that is what happens. Looni got his first and only D in that mini-p. At the project viva, one of the prof tried to help Looni by saying that perhaps the project was too difficult for them- he was perhaps hinting that Looni can use the DRS; but Looni considers himself an expert on DRS and also an upright man. He himself declared himself out saying he hadn’t run fast and that his partner was not to blame. Also he couldn’t admit that it was all a matter of wrong calling- he maintained that he could have completed the mini-p if he wanted, just his priorities were different and had changed!

After that incident many in our team have doubted his ability to go all hog and have tried not getting onto the pitch the same time as him. He has had trouble finding partners for assignments. Well, he found one in me.

He is like my elder brother, and I am glad to be able to build partnerships with him. This particular innings is filled with fond memories. Its the day to declare our B. Tech project (BTP);  and I have chosen him as my partner. Actually, as you know I just want to clear the IITs so that I can go clear the civil services and serve the nation. So I really don’t care about the BTP. Even a pass grade will suffice; but he is insisting that we choose a good topic and a good project and assuring me that he will see it through. He is also insisting that I will fall in love with programming. I am excited; let the future unfold. Will keep you posted.


Day 2 session 2


Dear Anna,

Looni and I have become partners in crime- we have been dragging our feet for some time. Wow, that sort of rhymed!

We are working on our BTP, the image processing project, which requires hours of efforts as each video clip takes hours to segment into nice scenes that enable classification into relevant genres like cartoon clip, sports clip etc.; I am sure you have guessed sport genre is my favourite genre. Its taking time, but we are getting there; just a little bit more of patience.

Looni works hard and I work even harder and together we have built one of the highest fourth wicket partnerships. Of course in the project viva the same prof who had suggested DRS to Looni in the mini-p was adamant that this time we couldn’t have really solved the problem of scene classification and that we had fitted the data to the test set (sheepish grin- we had in a way did a lot of tuning:-) and so we ended up with A minus rather than A. The DRS worked in favour of the profs this time:-))

I am truly thankful for the fun time we had building that partnership. Even today I address Looni as ‘Hey Partner!’. More so, because at the time of BTP, I already had been preparing for the Civil Services, and the exam was coming near. So though I did my fair share of work, it was upto him to launch assault on the BTP. I have learnt a lot about finishing watching him at close quarters.

And the influence has been mutual. It is the 7th semester.  We have just returned from the industrial training, and after a getting glimpse of the IT world, Looni suddenly recalled once again his childhood oath to prevent a third world war. With books like Clash of Civilisation in the air, Nostradamus’ prediction of a looming world war, he has been easily influenced by my dedication towards civil services to change tracks and has started preparing for civil service himself.

This is called life coming full circle. He hoped that I would be hooked to computers. And here he is. Desiring to crack the Civil Services exam!

But he is also very clear that he wants to join the foreign services, and by becoming a diplomat find a way forward to ushering in world peace and preventing the future wars. Seeing me prepare for the Civil Services, that looks like a natural route to him to achieve his dream. Sometimes I think he over-identifies with me and has made my mission his own and took up preparing for civil services as a result- who knows? Does even He who knows, does He know?


Day 2 session 3

Dear Anna,

I hit a century today. It's difficult to believe but Nihal Jadhav hit the century today. I cleared the Civil Services exam in the general category- even though I could have claimed quota benefits. I did not see myself as disadvantaged and I wanted to prove a point. I wanted my bat to speak, rather than anything else.

Looni has trusted me with other responsibilities too besides the bat. I don’t know why I am called to bowl too from time to time. There was this other day, when the dean had accused him of ragging and threatened expulsion. I don’t know what got over me, but I have never been that furious in my life-like Lakshaman getting angry over Surpankha,  I quickly jumped into action, gheraoing the dean and demanding a retraction of suspension and an apology. No one expected that from me. But I guess no one expected that turn of events too. So I have given him wickets when he needed. But I don’t see myself as a bowler, I still see myself as a batsman first!

Anyway, I am the younger brother always poised to stay in the shadow of the elder brother Ram. After the century I got complacent; they say the runs you add after the century are for the country; I have regret that I couldn’t add much; and as I stroll out of the field I expected people to applaud my heroic century but I can already hear people cheering ‘Looni, Looni, Looni’ as He walks centerstage! Such are the ways of the world, not that I am complaining!

Securely Attached

Retracting my claws, hiding in a shell,
My inner core secured by an ancient spell,
Waiting for the right charm, so the heart can dance,
I'm madly in love, with the idea of romance.

Waxing and waning, fickle and gone,
I love your caprice, don't leave me alone,
You're my world, my moon, my twinkling star,
I wanna hold you tightly, my queen from afar.

Mingling and tingling, like a river in sea,
Will you let me in, will you let me see?
That beyond my confines, there's a world to explore,
and by merging with each other, we can create folklore.

Attached, securely or not, you're still my favorite muse,
I haven't won you over, but isn't the score still deuce? 

Notes From The Fantasy Land

Are the bracelets a bondage, or protection for self?
Has she wisened with age , or remained beautiful as elf?
The lasso of truth, does it liberate or bind?
By disappearing from my life, was she violent or kind?

Can the pain be for real, when the healing is so fast?
Will the adamantium in my body for centuries last?
Am I an animal, a weapon, or something worse still?
When I howl each night, was it from guilt, did I kill?

I'm Marvel, She's DC, Can we meet mid way?
What about Steve and Jean, don't they have a say?
Isn't it best for us, to inhabit our separate worlds?
Weren't we lies to begin with, weren't we merely words?

It started as a fantasy, need it end as one?
To the angel in my life - can I too be one?

On a Full Moon's Night

In all its glory, in all its youth,
in a form that's rounded, silky and smooth,
like a newly formed drop, that will disappear soon,
I wait with trepidation, the waning of the moon.

Separated through ages, distanced by fate,
your light has been shining, but reaching me late,
my heart is so heavy, it can bend a spoon,
I pine to catch a glimpse, the far side of the moon.

Teasing like a grape, that's just beyond reach,
bitter and cold, charming and bleak,
mesmerized by her beauty in one fell swoop,
I scrutinize with impunity, the dark spots of the moon.

With blood on my hands, my heart still croons,
I watch with equanimity, the eclipsing of the moon.

The Magician - V

The Magician -V 

This is a poem spread across multiple pages. Please read in order. Please click on links below to read the earlier passages from the poem.

The Fool - I.
The Fool - II.
The Fool - III.
The Fool - IV.
The Fool - V.
The Fool - VI.
The Fool - VII.
The Fool - VIII.
The Fool - IX.
The Fool - X.
The Fool - XI. 
The Fool-XII. 
The Magician-I.  
The Magician -II 
The Magician -III
The Magician -IV



The Magician pushes the Fool to take charge,
highlighting the glory that is writ large,
on the one who brings the Grail to the King,
and once and for all an end to the war bring.
Conjuring visions of drinking from the Grail,
the Magician hopes to move further along the tale
the lure of eternal life enough in his view
to make the Fool pine for the quest - only few
who were fool enough could trade this life for eternity,
and this fool was ready to risk his one life- what temerity. 
If the reward of an eternal life was not enough to move the fool
The Magician had another trick up his sleeve-  another tool
If he could stitch the fool together and make him whole again,
if not firmly on his side, he could also inflict some pain.

Threatening to take him back to that initial state,
The Magician played on his fears, his certain fate
of getting injured critically while attempting the second leap
and never finding out how strong was his conviction deep.
If abandoning the quest, the deserters have to face censure
that the Fool understood this much, the Magician made sure.
If his words could heal and make the Fool stand back on his feet,
the same words could scorch and bite and probably bleed
Bleed to death as the Fool lies helpless and alone,
paying appropriately for a sin he did not atone.
The sin of not toeing the Magician’s line,
having a deserter label was a hideous crime.
Caught in a bind between the eternal life and infamy
The Fool has taken more than he can chew- a double whammy.

And yet he is foolish enough, not to be lured by riches or threats,
this quest he is on, is more than blood and sweats,
If he moves ahead its because of the visions that haunt him,
a world that is suffering, that is desolate and grim
and can become better if the Grail is found
and everyone can drink, with joy abound.
These used to move him, now that dream is a bit shaken
and playing on his insecurities, the Magician has taken,
a much more prominent role in his life
he is a mentor, a motivator, a friend, a guide.
The Fool now ventures forth to please the master,
that he may keep his head high, and fly faster,
and reach this pinnacles that others only dream of
he is no longer an original- he’s the Magician’s spin-off

The Magician has spun a yarn for the fool,
a story where he is nothing more than a tool
in the service of the king- finding Grail his duty,
and if he fails in the quest, he better face fury
not of the King, nor the Magician’s wrath,
but be buried under the weight of the wreath
placed on his soul, as he dies by shame and guilt,
that he couldn’t end the war,  that he wasn’t built
strong enough to bear the weight of the quest
preferring instead to while his days away and rest.
The Magician’ magic has worked, he doesn’t need
to taunt the fool anymore, the fool doesn’t heed
what is being said overtly, he now can hear a small voice within
that doesn’t want to let down others and instead wants to win.

Oh, the trickster, he thought his job was finally done
But if there was a doubting Thomas, our fool was one
Not fully convinced by this narrative of duty or pride
The fool kept vacillating, knowing this was no joyride
A quest such as this would be tiresome at best,
meaningless, futile, mission accomplished, what next?
To move him beyond doubts, the Magician simply said,
you have a choice whether to be on the side of good or bad
The end of quest is good, the Holy Grail an enabler of life
the continuation of quest is bad, a situation filled with strife
by ending this quest and bringing heaven on earth
you will be instrumental in abolishing any scarcity and dearth.
There is no pressure, no coercion, just make up your mind
make an informed choice, don’t keep acting blind.

The fool was taken aback, it was time to acknowledge the facts
not all of him, but a large part of him was already on the quest,
The magician need not push him, not verbally, nor from the cliff
he was already looking forward to the fall, the neck stiff,
Not for the king, not for the trickster, Not for glory, nor infamy,
neither for riches, nor eternal life, nor for wiping the blot of guilty
his only drive currently seemed to be how he was on the side of the good
ending the war, getting the grail, letting everyone drink- a modern Robinhood.
How this quest was what defined what he was,
how he could now face himself in either mirror or glass
Going on quests is what fools choose to do
if its upto me- count me in too.
I no longer need the Magician, I am ready to fly
I have made my choice and I know why.